There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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