Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
