I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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