ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Everyone says I win the strip club
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
