sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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