Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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