Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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