shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
