my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
