Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
