I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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