70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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