why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
