I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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