I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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