my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
