You know, be my cock's hype man.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
