her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
