I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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