just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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