Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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