So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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