I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
