The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
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