guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's never too late to be topless.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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