I should be sponsored by Trojan
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
