dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
