so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
