Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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