I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
