I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
