I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
