I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
