Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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