On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
