WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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