I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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