My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
