I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
