no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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