i wish my penis had a tongue
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
