Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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