he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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