Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
