How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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