T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
