so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize