Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
