textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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