awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
