I love black thongs
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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