I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
