So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
