Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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