I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
