I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
