There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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