nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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