it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
