There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
