babies were throwing up all over the place
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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