WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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