I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
